Parker - We Love You

A little over a year ago, I had gone to the doctor because of light spotting. The nurse reassured me that 95% of the time it was nothing, and I should come in because it is better to be safe than sorry.  I had an ultrasound and then routinely went back to my doctor’s office. He told me that my cervix was beginning to shorten, and that I should call my family and immediately head upstairs to the high risk maternity ward (his practice is in the hospital). I was terrified, my husband was out of town, and I was alone. We do not really have any close family that live nearby, so I called my mother who immediately got in a car and drove down to Texas along with my sister.   I didn’t know what to do.  I was scared. I was 22 weeks along and although I knew nothing about NICUs or premature births at the time, I knew it was too early for our Parker.  The doctors decided I should stay in the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy. The bed rest seemed to be working for the first two weeks, I had ultrasounds every other day and my condition seemed to be stabilized. The doctors even started talking about the possibility of releasing me in 10 weeks. But on Saturday night of Thanksgiving weekend, all hell broke loose as quickly as lightning striking. My water broke spontaneously at 10:30 PM and there was a pool of blood.  I was convinced I could still remain pregnant.  My husband, who had just left the hospital, rushed back. Once he arrived, he grabbed my hand and reassured me that I had to let the doctors deliver him. I cried the entire time our son was being born.

Parker was born at 11:49 PM on Saturday, November 26th. We knew his chances were not good being only 24 weeks + 5 days, but wanted to give him every shot. And he did really well for the first 24 hours, but on Day 2 it was discovered that he had significant internal bleeding in the brain and his other organs were failing his sweet little body. It did not appear that he would survive and if by some miracle he did, his outlook for a quality life was  non-existent. At that point we decided to let him go with God. It is not an easy decision to come to grips with. I dropped to my knees in the waiting room of the hospital begging God to show me a sign, begging Him to let me know if we were doing the right thing. I haven’t always been the most religious person, I’ve even denied His existence, and I didn’t deserve the grace He showed me that day. But as I got up and brushed myself off,  I took a deep breath before heading back into my son's unit. A NICU nurse stopped me -  not my son's nurse, but another nurse in the department.  She grabbed my hand, expressed that the nurses were talking about us, and went on to offer a great deal of support for our decision. I took her as the sign I needed, and I thanked God because I wasn’t sure if I would have the courage.

Parker who was beautiful, tiny and perfect in every way passed peacefully in my arms exactly one year ago today at 3:32 PM on Tuesday, November 29th.  He spent the last 5 hours of his life outside of the NICU box  and in our arms. There is no question in our mind that we made the right decision, as those were the only hours of his life that he was given any peace. He left this world knowing that he was loved.

That time was truly precious. I never thought the best day of your life and worst day of your life could be the same day. Holding my son, even for that brief time, was without a doubt the most incredible experience of my life.  I love both Parker and our little one growing and getting stronger in India so much... I wish I had the words to adequetly express it.